Before You Fell
by thenameisdenise
Summary: Episode insert for 8x15 Fidelis Ad Mortem
**A/N: This is some sort of insert for 8x15, what Kate was thinking the morning she woke up after she and Castle drank their problems away. This is also the first** ** _Castle_** **fic entirely of narrative I wrote. Most of my** ** _Castle_** **fics have dialogues in them no matter the long narratives.**

 **The title and the idea came from a song by Marit Larsen.**

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 _"Well, I guess there's just nothing I can say, is there? Okay, um, yeah. You're right, Kate. It's your life. You can throw it away if you want, but I'm not gonna stick around and watch you. So this is, uh, over. I'm done."_

Those were the exact words he told her, right before he went out the door. She kept wondering if he would come back, tell her that they're still partners. When he didn't, she made her resolve.

Esposito asking about him the next day made things worse. She told him that Castle was off the case and that only the three of them remain. Anyway, she told herself, it would be Alexis' graduation from high school. That is a big thing. But inside, it was gnawing her because he had always been there for her. Always. Then it as just her and the boys. How many times had that happened? She feels that this was just a repeat of some event that had happened eons ago.

She was on that ledge, clinging on for life, when she got to thinking about him. Again. Why is it that when something this big happens, he was always in her thoughts even if she didn't want him to? But this time, she did. She called for his name and she heard his voice. She called and she called, thinking that it was him. But it was Ryan. It wasn't him. Most of all, her Captain was there. She put her and Espo on administrative leave but she had enough. She surrendered her badge, the badge she had worked for just so she can chase her demons. The demons that made her fall in a pit that she couldn't seem to get out of.

Until Castle.

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 _Where do you turn when all you're running from  
Is still beneath your skin  
How do you learn to live the life you had  
Before you let him in_

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He was always there. He always came back. Always. This time he didn't. Ryan told her that he called him but he didn't answer. The graduation. That was it. But she knew he would have foregone it, in a way, especially if he knew that she was chasing those demons. This time he let her because she told him that it was her life. She knew it already hurt him to think that she didn't reciprocate his feelings but it hurt him more to watch her waste away with this case. As she had before. It hurt her more now to realise that she might not have him anymore after their fight that night, a childish fight. She let him in more than anyone else who came in her life but she had just let it slip away.

Roy was right. Five years ago, he told her that Rick Castle is good for her and it showed. She didn't have fun before but now… Her only lame excuse was that he opened this case again and she fell again. She was fine but then his meddling…it came to this. But Roy was right.

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 _You're trying to find the thing that there isn't any reason for the rise when you fall  
It's hard to keep believing when you felt so sure and you were proven so wrong_

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She had fallen before but no one was there to anchor her up. When Castle had opened her mother's case again, she thought she would fall deeper, much deeper than before. But he was there, holding her hand in case she did just that. But she had thrown it all away in one single night.

She was so wrong. She thought solving this, alone, would make her happy. She thought solving this was a battle she needed to fight on her own. But she always needed someone. That someone came in the form of a mystery writer who had been so enamoured of her, has, always been. She turned him away. She kept doing that, didn't she?

That was the time she started to not care, threw caution to the winds. She went to his loft, not even thinking if his daughter was there. She told him that she wanted him, only him. She anticipated the rejection, understood if he wouldn't want her anymore, but it didn't come. Instead, he welcomed her with open arms, kissed her like there was no tomorrow, ran his hands up and down her body in worship like she was a goddess, loved her like there was no other person in this world he could have but her. It had been that way ever since but somehow, the universe came crashing on her, on them again.

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 _Every step that you take, is just a step  
Only keep moving on, to the next  
Every beat of your heart, is holding back  
Every piece, every part, is in the past_

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They were back to where they were a few years ago. Why do they keep falling to where they were before? Is it life? Is it the universe playing tricks on them? It shouldn't be that way. It was supposed to be over. They are already happy, starting to finally be who they really want to be. Safe.

They have the fairy tale love story but not the fairy tale ending. Both of them, deceptions and lies kept them from reaching that happy ending they so wanted. But soon that string will break, no matter how strong they think it is. It will reach the limit.

She's done being alone. She thought she could do this alone, again. Kate Beckett is over being singular. She needs her pillar of strength. Castle. She needs her Castle, her foundation, the rock who had been there no matter how broken she is. Her solid ground.

They should start over again. No. They should continue and move on. Forgive him like he forgave her, every single damn time she falls and keels over that edge to nothingness. To err is human and to forgive, divine. Step by step they will mend that crack she started. She started and yet he will be there to help her do this.

She would have fallen back into that bottomless pit if she lost him but he would be, too. He will move on, yes, but always will be looking for her. For now, they're going to put everything in the backend, all in the past. They will chase down those demons who are after them. Together.

Endgame. That's what they are.

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 **As usual, reviews are welcome. :)  
**

 **If you want to listen: www youtube com / watch?v=VdOdB9U7ODY**


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